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| I don't know what I did, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what to do. | | |
| Dear world,
I'm going to be a senior in a week! Now... usually, most of my peers aren't very excited by this (and to be quite honest, neither should I) but for some strange reason, here I am anyway. Inversely, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about senior year; Nonchalant? Excited? Ambivalent? Upset? Ah. I know for sure one thing - I'm scared! College applications are looming and seriously? I want to turn around, run away and cry. That's right. CRY. Oh well. I guess I'm in line for an emotional rollercoaster.
Now... like I said, school isn't going to start for a week. But seeing as that I've been bitten by the senioritis bug already, I procrastinated on my "summer" reading... and whoops... it's already the end of the summer, and here I am scrambling to get everything done before labor day weekend! Last night, I stayed up until 5:30 (this morning) to finish Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I've been trying to read that book for a whole month (and then some). So after that whole spiel of nothing productive done, I decided I wasn't going to sleep until Fyodor was conquered! And alas, he was. I could finally breathe a momentary sight of relief. And now, I must pick up Gaarder's Sophie's World and once again, not sleep until I finish. So here's to another long night!
Your ever so tired friend,
Kim
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| Dear World,
My ideas and creativity have been flowing lately! It's a great feeling to be replenished from having a drought where not once a creative thought came into my head. I have ideas to bring forth including (but not limited to) a piano composition, a documentary of my senior year (which will be a little harder than I think it is), a watercolor painting, a script for a movie (once again... sigh, these scripts never ever translates to film), and etc.
The arts have always been my home. I dabble in everything artistic. I try it all. I barely play piano but as time progressed, I've learned music theory a bit on my own. I successfully figured out the entire chorus of "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga just a few months ago! I feel accomplished. My movie ideas never make it to film seeing as that I can never find the actors or even the equipment. Shame on me!
However, this documentary regarding my senior year will be something interesting. I've never planned a documentary before (I've tried, but not seriously). I imagine it to involve a lot of storyboards (no scripts! After all, this is real life). I don't know if I am to add a narration or voice-overs. I can easily do so. I also plan for it to be mostly told by music! A musical documentary.. or maybe, a musical yearbook? I'm not sure. I'm going to have to see how this goes...
Sincerely,
Me
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| I'll wade into the waters, but I will not swim as far as you. I feel comfortable with the water rocking me slowly, but I've got to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground. My toes, squishing the sand and small shells. I won't let you out of my sight, in case, something happens. But you can wander as far as you want to. Just know that I'll be waiting for you back here because that's my job. I will not and I won't tell you that you're going too far, that sharks and ships are up ahead, and that you won't feel as grounded as you do when you're where I'm at. I'll let you be and I'll let you swim away. To me, you'll become just little tiny dots slightly above the horizon and in your perspective, I blend in with the scenery; just a tiny grain of sand. If you do come back, you'll tell me all about it... or maybe, you won't. You'll brush past me and perhaps, you'll never set foot in the water ever again, while I'll still be standing here, my toes and my fingers slowly pruning. I will not criticize, I'll keep it all to myself. You all don't deserve it. (Especially not from me.)
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| I'm sorry.... I need to recycle this old post. I know it's almost 2 years old... but I feel like it expresses exactly what I feel right now...
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Lately, I felt like crying. Why? I just feel sad. Nope. No elaborate word. That's how I'm feeling these days. Just plain ol` sad. Is something wrong with me? I hope not. |
... wow, Isn't that interesting? This has been in my body, mind, soul, spirit... for such a long time. Sadly, I didn't save entries a long time before that. In my old xanga, I've thought about killing myself... and people were trying to stop me. I could've done it yet I'm still alive... I'm trying to find a reason why I haven't done so. It's not that I have a shitty life... I just feel shitty and that's what the matter with me. This is all too much for me. I'm here and everyone's there. I don't know.
I feel like breaking down right now. I would if I could... but I can't. I feel like it but I can't. I feel so useless... all I ever do is rant about my life. No wonder people get tired of me... hell, I get tired of myself. I'm so sick and tired of all these things!
I feel as if...
I don't know anything anymore!!!
What is wrong with me? Can someone help me...? Please...? Is anybody out there? Can you hear my cry? Is it barely a whimper? I'm scared... I really am.
Cause suddenly... I don't know what to do... | | |
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